Oh they say people come
Say people go
This particular diamond was extra special
And though you might be gone
And the world may not know
Still I see you celestial
Everglow – Colplay

Blog by: Lata Advani Viseu

My biggest fear came to life on January 14, 2021. That fear was of someone close to me dying. I thought if my husband, Louie were to die before me, I would not know how to go on without him.

It is strange how once you experience your biggest fear you realize you have no choice but to accept it. I will not lie; it is not easy because we had been together for almost 33 years and there are tons of memories.

Every time I hear a song that he liked I remember how much he loved music. He loved all kinds of music and it seemed like every time a song would play, he would say, “this is my favourite song.”

He loved Coldplay, Arcade Fire, 80’s music like the Pet Shop Boys, 70’s Classic Rock, Reggaeton, soft romantic songs by Roberto Carlos, Hindi Bollywood tunes and even Ghazals and he could dance to almost any type of music.

Everywhere there are memories of him to remind us of the wonderful times we had together. We lived life to the fullest and did the things we wanted in life, travelled to many beautiful places, experienced many different things, we went dancing every weekend, so I have no regrets of our life together.

I only wish we had more years together but then would any number of years ever be enough really? Each of us must go someday and once we accept that, we can focus our energies on the now, creating memories that will live on forever.

There were so many fears that I had when Louie was going through his cancer journey. I cried each time I was told by the doctors or nurses that I would need to do something which I had never done before.

I was so afraid when I had to go into the hospital to train on how to suction the tracheostomy tube (breathing tube) of thick mucus through the tube in Louie’s neck into his windpipe and learn how to clean the trach.

I was afraid I would do something wrong and kill him and I cried worrying about it but once I did it a few times, it was not as scary anymore. There were many other things that needed to be done and they all scared me to death but those are things that needed to be done and I got it done. One of the biggest lessons I learnt during this journey was that we are capable of much more than we think we are.

It is ironic that someone who loved to cook could no longer eat. His meals for almost ten months were Ensure and a few shakes as meal replacements. He loved to talk, debate and argue and could no longer speak properly. He loved to dance and was the most active person I knew and no longer had the energy.

He did everything with passion, whether it was dishes, laundry, dropping me and picking me up from work every day, running his business or accompanying me to my work events. I am glad that our daughter, Bianca has so many of his qualities, he would be proud of all that she is doing.

Through the pandemic, I was working from home for most of the year while accompanying him to his hospital appointments and after his tongue cancer surgery, he seemed to be doing so well. Even though he could not eat he would bring me an egg sandwich and fruits or French toast for breakfast when I would be in meetings online. I did not have the heart to tell him that I was trying to skip breakfast purposely.

Sometimes I would get so busy and forget to stop for lunch and he would suddenly appear with a plate of something for me to eat. Even though he was sick, he would worry about me not eating. He would cook us amazing dinners and not be able to eat with us. That made us so sad but at the same time it gave him pleasure to feed us.

We had quite a good Fall after his radiation treatment which was over in August and we all thought he was recovering but then the CT scans showed that the cancer had spread and was spreading quickly. He did everything he could to live as long as he could and even survived COVID-19 but in the end, it was his time to leave.

I believe the soul lives on forever and our loved ones become our Guardian Angels. I know that Louie will be looking down on us always and leaving us signs and want us to continue to live life to the fullest.

I believe in signs and I would ask the Universe for signs that things would be alright and that Louie would not suffer. They say if you see a feather, a cardinal and a butterfly, they are all signs that the Universe or Guardian Angel is looking out for you. I did see a feather and the next day a picture that a friend posted of a cardinal in her garden, but I kept looking for a butterfly and it seemed like I would not get my wish.

When we were in the Emergency room at the end just as Louie passed away, I looked at the door and there was this single image of a butterfly on the door telling me that everything was going to be okay and that he was no longer suffering and finally in peace.

Rest in peace my love, you are forever in our hearts and we will meet again. As the Coldplay song says, “the light that you left me will everglow”.

“It is not length of life, but depth of life.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.” – Kahlil Gibran

“Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation.” –  Rumi

“Death is a word, and it is the word, the image, that creates fear.” –  Jiddu Krishnamurti

“Death is like a mirror in which the true meaning of life is reflected.” –  Sogyal Rinpoche

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