Blog by: Lata Advani Viseu
“It’s like rain on your wedding day
It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid
A traffic jam when you’re already late
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife…”
Alanis Morissette
Life does have a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think you have everything under control.
If you are one of those people that need to feel in control of your life and everything you do, what happens when things don’t go the way you planned?
You have an important meeting and you give yourself enough time to make it there on time. You get into your car and run into a traffic jam or the subway trains have stopped running because of an incident on the tracks.
You honk or cuss but you’re stuck, there’s nothing you can do, so you get yourself worked up and your blood pressure goes through the roof. You get to the important meeting only to find out it was the wrong day and now you’re mad at yourself.
There are many things you have no control over, like the weather, traffic, getting old, death, what people think of you, your past, pleasing everyone or a future the way you planned it.
The only thing you have control over is your attitude and how you react to a situation when things don’t go the way you think it should. You cannot control a lot of things including what other people think, say, feel or do. You can only control you.
If you are someone who needs to plan everything and expect it to go exactly the way you planned it, then you’re probably also the type of person who stresses and freaks out when things don’t go as planned.
To minimize the damage, you could try and figure out all the things that could go wrong and try and prevent them from happening and think of alternatives but there will always be some things that you cannot foresee.
It is good to remember that for anything that goes wrong or does not go the way you expected, there could be an even better unexpected outcome. You may not see it in the moment but in the grand scheme of life, this will be a minor incident.
When you look back at your life and think of a time when you thought you were going through the worst experience of your life; that you couldn’t possible take it anymore. What were some of the positive outcomes that came out of it in the end?
Perhaps, you didn’t get into a school of your choice or didn’t get that promotion, maybe you were let go from a job or your relationship didn’t work out, only to look back and realize that it was probably the best thing that happened to you because something unexpected and better came along.
For me, there was a time when I was in a terrible abusive marriage and wanted to give up on life because I was young and naïve and did not think there was anything I could do. I felt helpless and ashamed and did not feel like I could tell my family or friends so I stayed in the marriage for a few years until one day I finally decided anything was better than this and left.
That was the best decision and after a lot of other life experiences, I met my current husband, Louie, who always puts me first, above all and even though there are many things which we think so differently about, he loves and accepts me as I am and is always looking out for me. He is my biggest supporter, the one who is always there for me. We’ve been together for over 30 years, supporting each other.
When I look back now, I could never have imagined the life I have now, being free, loved, at peace and happy. My advice to anyone who is going through anything terrible is to remember that nothing lasts forever. There is always someone who can help you, trust a friend, tell someone what you are going through and know that you will get through this and come out stronger.
Life is too short to focus on the negative, hanging on to anger, regrets and pain. It is best to do what you can, do your best, prepare where you can and then let go of the outcome.
I have heard it said that if you hold on to your anger for more than 2-3 minutes, it can have a negative effect on your health, not to mention relationships that break because things were said in the heat of the moment which sometimes cannot be mended.
The faster you can change your focus from anger, fear or helplessness to a positive one, the better you will feel. Once you have done all you can to prepare, let go and go-with-the-flow. Detach yourself from the outcome and trust that the universe will ensure that whatever happens, it will be for the best.
Here are a few simple things you can do when things aren’t going the way you want it to:
- Take some deep breaths when you feel anxiety coming on
- Ask yourself whether this will matter a few years from now
- Express your feelings to someone you trust
- Write how you feel in a journal and options how to get through it
- Don’t beat yourself up, acknowledge your feelings and see what you can do to make the situation better
- Remind yourself that this is temporary, nothing lasts forever
- Look back at times in your life when you came through fine after a hard time
- Ask yourself what could be the positive outcome of this negative situation
- Listen to motivating podcasts or music that makes you feel better
- Meditate, there are lots of free meditation recordings on Youtube and free apps
- Go for a walk in nature, get some fresh air
- Workout, do yoga or dance
- Remember that everyone goes through good times and bad times and what matters is how you react to the situation
- Be grateful for lessons learnt
- Get a life coach to help you live your best life
For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
The only thing you sometimes have control over is perspective. You don’t have control over your situation. But you have a choice about how you view it. Chris Pine
Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation. Brian Tracy
It’s not the situation, but whether we react negative or respond positive to the situation that is important. Zig Ziglar